Monday Moon Post: 2 quotes and a few lyrics, but mostly me being sad

I don’t know why, but some painful memories have been plaguing my mind this morning. I wish I had at least one person in my life who had never disappointed or hurt me; someone who I could count on to never hurt or disappoint me. But I know this isn’t realistic. I also know that many people wish for this and often find it in God.
I try to do that but . . . It just isn’t ever very powerful. Spirituality has its place but it cannot replace human companionship and affection.

I know that what created these painful memories, and what is allowing them to bring me down now, is my tendency to care too much what people think of me. I have a very close friend who I adore, and she adores me. We always lift and build each other up, we have for more than 10 years. She was very instrumental in getting me to where I am now. When we first met I was a young single-mother with no education, still living at home with my mom. And my confidence in myself was shot.
Now I am married to the man of my dreams, I have a bachelor’s degree that I am very proud of, and things (including the “inner me”) continuously improve year after year. And this friend of mine was a huge part of me being able to accomplish this.
That’s why it’s so strange and so upsetting that the painful memories on my mind this morning are almost all associated with people who I came in contact with through her. She has also done and said some things that have been hurtful, but I know I have hurt and pissed her off too. This is bound to happen in any close friendship of many years.
But she doesn’t keep such great company apparently! She has always told me that she is so glad she found me, so glad she has me in her life, ‘doesn’t know what she would do without me’. And it’s true that I am very different than everyone else in her life. These other people do not know really know me- they did not take the time to get to know me. When put all together they have slighted me, judged me, ignored me, made fun of me, and gossiped about me. They are a group of some very rude, inconsiderate, and, in some cases, very immature people.

But if my friend loves me, if our relationship has been so mutually beneficial, then what these other people said or did or thought shouldn’t matter. And maybe they don’t matter, but it does bother me. I have to be honest with myself that- right or wrong, justified or unjustified, mature or immature- my feelings were hurt, and it all still hurts. And somehow, even though I never have to see any of those people again, it still gets to me some days. Perhaps I would feel better if I ever got the chance to confront them, to stand up for myself, but I will not force that to happen.

As for today, I have to try to direct my mind to more positive things. I do not want to waste my time and energy dwelling on the past and trapping myself inside painful memories.  I’m sure that none of them are thinking of me today, so it’s absurd for me to be thinking of them.

I need to remember and utilize the best advice I ever got regarding how to handle worrying about what others think-

“What other people think of me is none of my business.”

My heart’s desire right now would be to  turn on some Christmas music and work on some sort of fun, creative Christmas craft- preferably something with a lot of color! But I am going to choose to get some work done instead. Laundry, dishes, take a shower, take the kids to gymnastics, and then go to work. I have Christmas crafts to look forward to in November and December. Right now I have 2 new books on my Nook to look forward to.
Also today is Monday so that means it’s time for another Monday Moon Post. Maybe I can use the following quotes and lyrics to restore peace and balance to my mind.

~

For as long as I can remember, I’ve talked to the moon. Asked her for guidance. There’s something deeply spiritual about her pale glow, her cratered surface, her waxing and waning. She wears a new dress every evening, yet she’s always herself.
Stephanie Perkins, Lola and the Boy Next Door

I want to find out where the moon goes
When it leaves the western sky
And night dissolves again ’til morning
Azure turns to gold
Azure turns to gold
I’m gonna sleep with one eye open
I’m gonna keep the shades half drawn
Nearly silent…dressed in shadows
Lines and colors fall
Lines and colors fall
I’m gonna watch her through my window
Just as I watched you before
A smile knows, but just won’t tell me
I just watch her go
I just watch her go
Now I learned just where the moon goes
When it leaves the western sky
Night dissolves again ’til morning
The moon is in your eyes
The moon is in your eyes
Norah Jones, Moon Song

And there they were. All these mothers. I have more mothers than any eight girls off the street. They are the moons shining over me.
Sue Monk  Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

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